Catharsis

Okay, roll back to Thursday, about 2 AM, I'm awakened by two sheriff's deputies. A friend/neighbor had a home break-in invasion a couple of hours earlier.

Harvey's a good friend, always ready to assist with anything (it's mutual) but he's been growing medicinal marijuana -- all quite legal (in Washington) and a preferred alternative to methadone. However, his crop was also the target of the break-in. He was pepper sprayed (his back door looked like it had been painted with pepper spray), the thieves made off with all of his plants, equipment and various other items including his cell phone and pickup. They'd also cut his phone lines.

Naturally, I went over to check on his status, found he was okay physically but shook up.

Later Thursday (I got a few hours sleep) I called the phone company and they promised to have a repairman out that afternoon (and he was). I suspended Harvey's cell phone ... and I kept my own medical appointment as well as putting out a general announcement to the community about what's happened and sending a couple of other people over to look in on Harvey.

Friday, I'm taking photographs of the damages, giving Harvey his weekly (Friday) injection (it saves him a lengthy trip to Bremerton) and also taking Harvey to get a new cellphone (my old one) activated ... with a new phone number.

Did I mention the perp stole Harvey's pickup? They also abandoned it about ten miles up the peninsula ... and set it on fire. Yeah, a total loss but, gratefully, we've had enough rain that the fire danger is minimal. Still, that gives you an idea of what kind of asshole jerks we're talking about.

And, the next time they try to hit on Harvey (and they will if they're still at liberty ... but that's another story), there'll be a few surprises such as infrared cameras, etc.

Anyway, Thursday evening (and Friday) I'm answering a lot of questions from the community about how/where/when/who, about what precautions to take, about should they get a firearm (more on this in a moment) and similar.

I've been busy recommending alarm systems, surveillance cameras, pepper spray, tasers and watch dogs. Note the omission?

Jump back several months; I'm down at the DAV office talking to Joel about some paperwork for a claim. Joel is a lovely guy (retired Marine) but can't type worth a damn. The Biblical method, two fingers, seek and ye shall find.

While he's making slow progress on the computer, I'm looking at some of the decorations on his wall.

I'd been looking at a picture of The Wall. "Damn it! Of course I'm crying!” I barked in my best bos’n’s voice … which is pretty authoritative but also loud. “What kind of an idiot wouldn't be?" And then ... eventually ... it sunk in. I'm not completely stupid. But I still insist on the "What kind of an idiot wouldn't be?" If something like that -- and the memories -- didn't make me cry, I wouldn't want to know me.

Anyway, months later, PTSD has been added to my disability, I'm seeing a therapist (ex-military and a very nice lady whom I don't have to explain everything to) and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats and nightmares.

Some of the improvement -- not all by a long shot -- is credited to a CPAP (continuous positive air pressure) machine which I wear at night (for sleep apnia). Better breathing while I'm asleep means better oxygen levels ... which mean no adrenaline floods to try to compensate ... which mean fewer nightmares as a reaction ... and no cold sweats (and the absence of a few other things that I've simply been taking for granted for decades as a consequence of 'Nam ... and later.)

But a bunch of it is credited to my therapist (who also says that writing this will help) who had pointed out (okay, so she hit me over the head with it!) that all of my nightmares have centered around essentially the same type of episode: situations where people under my command were placed in harm’s way because they (we) had to respond to someone else's idiocy, malicious intent, stupidity, cupidity ... well, never mind the full list. Her point was that I was having nightmares because people under my command were in danger -- never mind that it was part of the job or that I was equally at risk.

Or, in brief, that my nightmares were about responsibility for situations which were beyond my control … and which I wasn’t really responsible for.

Yeah, I know. It's not entirely rational but nightmares and memories aren't. But that doesn't mean that they're not real!

However, recognizing and accepting does help ... some ...

So, that brings me back to the gun question.

No, I am not against guns. They're tools, that's all. And I have carried one in the past but don't carry one now; there are other -- less lethal but effective -- weapons and I can do serious damage with my cane, a rolled up newspaper or nothing at all and -- if the need should arise -- there's some damned fool who's going to supply me with a lethal weapon ... whether they like it or not and whether they survive or not.

But ... I CANNOT RECOMMEND TO ANYONE THAT THEY GO OUT AND BUY A GUN!

Not unless, they are willing to:

very carefully consider the consequences of using one -- self-defense / protection has nothing to do with the psychological impact and the commitment to kill or maim someone else is not something that most of us can make lightly. Or, at the very least, not one that came easy to me (even when I was four decades younger).
arrange a visit to a busy ER and a morgue to see the consequences
undertake to find an expert to help them select a weapon and learn how to use it and how to hit a target
undertake a course in when and how and who to shoot

Failing these, anyone buying a gun for "protection " is simply providing a weapon to their enemy as well as taking the risk of shooting someone completely innocent.

And I've spelled this out to everyone who has asked that question and -- without exception -- they've thanked me and decided on less lethal alternatives.

After all, there's a lot less hesitation about using a taser or pepper spray and, once the perp is down ... well, you can take whatever further action your conscience (and adrenaline) dictate.

But, I will NOT make myself responsible for the event of things going wrong (because things will go wrong) and I don't need another source of nightmares.

And I know there will be some who will want to say: "But you can't make yourself responsible for what someone else does." Well, they can say that ... but that doesn't make them right. Not for me, in any case.

Writing this is a form of catharsis and, if you've read this far, then thanks, I appreciate it but it's the telling it that's most important.

And I feel (a little bit) better.

[-------Recommendation------]

There is a pepper spray sold under the name Cold Steel Inferno which has a couple of unique characteristics.

First, it is a foam rather than a gas, making it easier to aim and hit your intended target. (It becomes gas on impact.)

Second, in addition to 8% oleoresin capsicum, the Inferno formula also includes 2% black pepper; ergo, instead of merely stinging like mad, Inferno also causes uncontrollable sneezing, further incapacitating the perp (even if they're zonked on PCP!). Very effective!

If you need protection, this is a very good choice ... and a non-lethal option ...