Act 2, Scene 1:
Apartment of Jerry Doyle and Kenneth Schram
Main set is the
apartment of Jerry Doyle and Kenneth Schram.
The living room is furnished in a masculine décor, including a small gun
cabinet with three rifles, a couple of basketball trophies, and various trinkets
on shelves along with several large books lying on their side.
To stage right,
a metal park bench is occupied by our burglar, wearing gray sweats, tennies,
ball cap with a backpack on the bench next to him/her.
The setting suggests a small park.
Both Jerry and
Ken are middle-aged; Jerry being the endomorphic body type, Ken an ectomorph.
They are each in good physical shape although Jerry is annoyed by a receding
hairline (as opposed to Ken’s thicker toupee).
Ken: (relaxing on sofa, reading
Sports Illustrated) “Well, I still say he’s got a cute ass for a
half-back.”
Jerry: (from off-stage) “Am I supposed to be jealous?”
Ken: (smiling to himself) “No worries, darling. Yours is much cuter. But hadn’t we better get a move on? Game time’s coming up and you know what traffic’s like.”
Jerry: (enters from kitchen, carrying picnic basket) “Get the cooler and we’re ready. Grill and charcoal are in the car.”
Burglar (aside to audience): “These two are real sports fanatics; every year, season tickets for basketball, football and baseball. Maybe their only saving grace is that they don’t paint themselves green and white (change colors as appropriate to regional team) and act like a couple of fools” (grimaces) “Hope they’ll get a hurry on – wouldn’t want them to miss the opening pitch.”
Jerry: “Bill and Sam called.”
Ken: “They going to meet us there?”
Jerry: “I mean ‘they both called’ – as in separately.”
Ken: (crossing and placing his free hand on Jerry’s shoulder) “Like that, eh?”
Jerry: (reaching up to pat Ken’s hand) “Exactly. If we can guarantee that Bill won’t, Sam will. And vice versa.”
Ken: (gruffly) “Bloody damned fools. What’s it been? Six? No, seven years?”
Jerry: “Since their commitment ceremony? Six, I think. And you know they love each other.”
Ken: “I know they’re both too thick to say ‘I’m sorry’.”
Jerry: “We’ve had a few spats too.”
Ken: “Most couples do. Just we’re smart enough to give in once in a while.”
Jerry: “And to say we’re sorry once in a while.”
Ken: (grinning and pulling his hand free and heading for the door) “Well, I’m only going to be sorry if we miss the game.”
Jerry: (rising and crossing to the kitchen) “Okay, okay, I’ll get the cooler … slave driver.”
Ken: (smiling, hand on the door knob) “Maybe later … if you’re good.” (exits)
(Jerry follows a moment later, carrying a
beer cooler. Door closes, snap of
locks. Lights fade to dim for 30 seconds on main stage, fade to dark on stage
right.)
Act 2, Scene 2: Brief interval later
Stage right:
black-clad figures reset scene for burglar’s apartment with easy chair facing
TV.
(lights come up slowly, sound of door being unlocked, burglar steps inside, sets backpack on floor, turns back to door, sound of door being locked, burglar is now wearing cotton gloves.)
(burglar retrieves backpack, setting on the sofa where Jerry had been sitting, takes a long slow tour of room, checking all doors … then vanishes into kitchen)
Note: off-stage events are telescoped, happening much faster than actual actions would require and suggested only by sounds.
(sound of refrigerator opening … closing … freezer opening … closing … cabinets opening briefly and closing again … reappears in living room, empties ice cube tray into plastic ziplock bag, adds to backpack … disappears into kitchen … sound of water running … reappears, looking around)
Burglar: (shaking head) “Okay, that’s not bad for a start. Humph, you’d think people would learn … ice on ice may be cool but it’s not that smart. So, what’s next?”
(sound of footsteps, door lock snapping … burglar crosses quickly, ducking into closet, pulling door almost closed but very quietly)
(door opens, Jerry rushes in, leaving door open, crosses to bedroom and disappears … reappears a moment later holding a medicine bottle, trying to check the label as he almost trips over a chair, rushes out)
Jerry: (pulling the door closed) “Damned allergies!” (sound of lock snapping)
(silent pause)
Burglar: (stepping cautiously out of closet) “Man, I had to get out of there.” (looks over shoulder at closet door, pause) “At least, I’m an honest burglar.” (shrugs) “Hell, that’s a stupid thing to say. (expression twisting into wry grin) “Okay, so I’ve got friends who are gay; and friends who are straight … and friends who I know which are which. What’s the diff anyway – except that you’re feeling shook up? Goes with the damned territory, right?” (shakes himself, then exits through bedroom door)
(sound of drawers opening … closing … sound of closet opening … hangers rattle slightly … door closes)
(burglar reappears, carrying nothing, looking around again … stops, looking at bookshelf)
Burglar: “Now there’s a possibility.” (crosses to bookshelf, lifts large books off shelf and carries them to a coffee table where he sits to examine them)
Burglar: “Ah, nice set of trading cards.” (handles looseleaf binder carefully, showing pages holding pocketed trading cards … pauses … low whistle …) “Now that’s a treasure … wonder what the Babe’s worth now. This is what? Nineteen-thirty-three? And a Lou Gehrig, same year? And a Gabby Hartnett? Looks like a bonanza. No matter, look ‘em up later.” (closes book, glances at two others, smiles widely, collects all three, tucking them into the backpack … begins humming theme from The Gambler, then softly singing) “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em …” (shoulders backpack and crosses toward door) “…know when to walk away, know when to run ...” (does a quick shuffle step as if miming running) “…never count your money sitting at the table, there’ll be time enough for counting…” (sound of door closing cuts off the refrain, sound of lock being set … fade to black.)
Act 2, Scene 3: Ken and Jerry’s apartment, much later
(As lights come up, sound of door being unlocked, Jerry enters carrying an empty ice chest by one handle; Ken enters with picnic basket. Both cross to kitchen, sound of refrigerator opening, then closing. The two reappear, each carrying a beer.)
Ken: (sinking into easy chair) “Well, it was still a fun game.”
Jerry: (taking the couch) “Yep … but nicer if the right team would win.”
Ken: (grinning) “Maybe we should switch?”
(Stage right, burglar enters carrying iced glass, sits facing TV, picks up remote and punches button)
Jerry: (taking a drink) “Watch it, pretty boy. I prefer you just the way … Ken? Do you have a blue and white knapsack?”
Ken: (looking puzzled) “Knapsack? You mean like a backpack?”
Jerry: (sitting upright and looking down at the sofa next to himself) “Yeah, a blue and white one.”
Ken: “Not since I left the corps … and that wasn’t blue and white. All we got was khaki or camo. Why?”
Jerry: “Oh, nothing … just …”
Ken: (sitting upright) “Just what?”
Jerry: (looking around) “Just that when I came back for the antihistamines…?”
Ken: “Yes?”
Jerry: (shaking head) “I just thought … I’d forgotten … I was in a hurry so we wouldn’t be late … I thought … I think I remember seeing a knapsack. Here, on the couch.” (sets beer on coffee table, pats cushion)
Ken: “Nothing there now.” (pauses, then jumps up) “Are you sure?”
Jerry: (shaking head) “No, not really but … I think so. I don’t know.”
(Ken turns, running into the kitchen, still carrying his beer, sound of refrigerator opening, pause, reappears carrying a dripping ice cube tray.)
Ken: (hollowly) “We’ve been robbed.”
Jerry: (rising and looking down at the dripping tray) “Robbed? Of what?”
Ken: (sitting heavily, ice cube tray dripping on the floor) “Remember my uncle Hymie?”
Jerry: (crossing behind Ken and resting both hands on the man’s shoulders) “You’ve mentioned him. Said that he died a few months ago. Why?”
Ken: “Left me a package … delivered
last week … I wanted to surprise you … thought we could take a trip to Cabo
… or Carnival at
Jerry: (massaging the man’s shoulders) “We can do that, sure. We’re not broke or anything. Hell if we were, I could always sell …” (breaks off suddenly and turns toward the bookshelves, stiffens, shoulders shaking) “The lousy, no good son of a …”
Burglar: (stage right, in easy chair, facing TV) “I think the penny dropped.” (turns toward audience) “Well, shall we see what they make of this?”
Ken: (jumping up, dropping the ice cube tray, his gaze following Jerry’s) “No! … No, it couldn’t …” (quickly turns, putting his arms around Jerry) “My darling, I’m so sorry … so very sorry.” (pause) “Damn it!” (jerks away, crossing quickly to the gun cabinet, unlocking it and pulling out a rifle, quickly working the action as he turns, scowling) “If he’s still here …” (flattens himself against wall by bedroom door, then slams door open as he enters. Jerry stands, watching, Sound of another door being slammed open, then a third)
Ken: (reappearing a moment later, speaking bruskly) ”Clear!” (crossing to closet and jerking it open with the rifle leveled one-handed) “Clear!” (crossing back to kitchen, pausing back against the wall, then slapping the door open as he enters, sound of another door being slammed open) “Clear!” (from the kitchen)
(Ken reappears in living room, almost
shaking as he frees the magazine, then ejects a shell from the chamber.
Hands shake as he replaces the gun in the rack, then stands, head forward
against the cabinet door frame. Jerry is still standing, watching … then moves
suddenly to embrace his partner)
Jerry: “Are you okay? Really okay?”
Ken: (shaky voice) “I’m … I’m okay. It’s clear … we’re okay … I … I …”
Burglar: (softly) “And I’m
glad I wasn’t there …”
Jerry: “What?”
Ken: (voice still muffled, facing gun cabinet) “I feel so … so goddammed violated!”
Jerry: (very softly) “You … were magnificent!”
Ken: (also softly) “I … I was scared. And mad. And …”
Jerry: “Its okay, you’re okay, we’re okay. To hell with the trading cards, you’re okay, that’s all that matters.”
Ken: “I would have killed them … that’s what makes me so mad. Do you understand? I would have killed them!”
Jerry: “There’s no one here. It’s okay. It’s okay.” (pause) “Your uncle Hymie, tell me about him. What was it? In the tray, I mean.”
Ken: (wan smile, turning to face Jerry) “Are you trying to distract me?”
Jerry: “Any way I can, yes.”
(silent pause)
Ken: “Diamonds … I wanted to surprise you. I took them to a jeweler for appraisal. We could have had a really nice vacation. I was going to put the ice cubes in your tea. See if you’d find them. Notice them, I mean.”
Jerry: “So … we’ll take a vacation anyway, okay?”
(lights dim on main stage, Ken and Jerry frozen in embrace)
(figures in black begin dressing main set for next act, Ken and Jerry assisting)
(stage right, phone rings, burglar turns left toward cordless phone, picks up but doesn’t key it)
Burglar: (turning head to face audience) “Almost ‘Gift of the Magi’, don’t you think? Well, at least they know what’s important. And those trading cards are going to make a nice entry in my retirement account. So, maybe we’ll all come out ahead, no?”
Burglar: (punches button on phone,
answers) “Jeri here.” (pause) (aside to audience, covering
pickup on phone with hand) “It’s Munch” (uncovers phone)
“Yeah, what’a you want? … No, that’s not acceptable. … They’re worth
treble that and you know it! … And I’m not running a Dollar Store either.”
(tiredly patient) “You just pony up the green …” (pause, angrily)
“Like hell!” (punches the phone off and slams it down on the side table)
(mimicking broadly) “’I know where you live’ … Well, I damned well know
where he (/she) lives too!” (pauses, stretches, muttering) “I’m
definitely getting too old for this.” (turns to face audience, thoughtfully)
“You know,
(fade to black both sets, curtains remain open)
During interval, figures in black dress both sets.